Procrastination

I've slowly come to realize that the more you put off something, the more it haunts you and making excuses to justify putting that thing off never really quells  that need.  I will be the first to admit that when its come to getting my book out there, I have been the world's biggest procrastinator.

Sure I finished my first draft...a feat in and of itself. But what then? I'd written plenty of long short stories (I realize that is a bit of an oxymoron), and all they did is sit around collecting dust. 

So did my poor first draft. 

Sure I had a lot of things happening in my life that were equally as exciting as a book. Losing lots of weight, getting in better shape. Finding a new found love in roller derby and moving up more at work. 

But in the back of my head I knew my draft was just sitting there... doing absolutely nothing. Even when things took a turn for the worse at work, and I found myself with less responsiblity and therefore more time to devote to my draft. Even then I didn't touch it. 

As I sat up last night, FINALLY finishing up the second draft, I realized what it was that kept stopping me. Writing has been something I wanted to do since I was a kid. What if I fail?

What if this story sucks so bad that nobody ever wants to read another thing that I write? What then?

The fear of failing is scary and I am facing it head on both with writing and with derby. I am only 20 seconds away from being able to play in a game. I have one more requirement to meet and thats 25 laps in 5 minutes. Last time I retested on my laps I freaked myself out so bad beforehand I was literally shaking when I skated onto the track. 

Photo courtesy of my friend Quentin at Southern Exposure Photography

Part of me doesn't want to go back after missing my laps again, but I know I started roller derby for a reason. Just like I started a serious goal of publishing  my stories. 

Failure isn't an option. It is only failure if I stop. 

If I don't put my skates back on. 

If I don't finish my editing and put my book out there.

If I don't do these things then I will fail. I will never know what I could have done with either.

So, no more procrastination. My second draft of Mistaken is now done. Within a week it will be in the hands of a trusted friend and will be edited and I will be starting work on another book. 

And tomorrow night, I will be at practice...skating my laps once again.

I am refusing to let myself fail. Maybe I won't be great at either, but as I have heard my derby sisters say.

"If you never go for a hit, you won't know if you could have done it. If you fall, just get back up and  throw another one."